FOOTY FAIR

Antonio Conte…Not Long for Chelsea’s World?

2016-06-29T10:57:00.001-04:00

From FootyFair Guest Contributor Jason Bramble:

This is my first blog-like entry, so please forgive me if it seems in anyway disjointed or rambling. I’ve been meaning to write for this site for a long time, however my low esteem to share written word left me unable to numerous times. This time however I feel compelled to share with you, dear FootyFair readers an opinion piece. So, let’s get started.

Antonio Conte… the man with the Midas touch apparently in this Euro competition. He took a rag tag Italian set-up, and turned them into at least for me one of the stories of the tourney thus far. Not expected to do anything, the Italian’s find themselves in a quarter-final match up against what looks to be the most structurally perfect German side that I’ve seen in a long, long time. Quite the change from two years ago in Brasil, I’d say, where they unceremoniously crashed out along with England in the group stage.

Conte’s genius is being praised not just because of that. But also because of his resurgence of the Old Lady of Italian football, Juventus. However, since their scandal had been little more than toothless kittens on the European stage and had to claw back from relegation as well. Just before tasting glory of a Champions League Final he resigned his post, and began his Italian National team career.

When Ceasare Prandelli resigned after what has to be called a disgusting World Cup campaign by the Azzuri, Conte took the job building up for the Euro qualifiers. As he did at Juve he took the best of what he could get, and seemingly made them into what we’ve seen at this Euro. Although some call it dumbed down or whatever, It has certainly been no cake walk for the Azzuri and they’ve been put to the test and have shown with style and passion that they are serious. Also that his management in my opinion is real.

After this Euro though he will begin a new chapter. Chelsea Football Club on April 4th 2016 confirmed that he would be joining the club after José Mourinho was sacked from the club mid-season amidst a variable poop storm of bad results and “unfortunate” headlines featuring one Eva Caneiro. This is where I want to offer my opinion on the future of Conte at Chelsea.

Will he be able to survive the “Player Power” ego movement among the C.F.C. stars? Not even the much revered José Mourinho was able to withstand the pressure from the top as time, time and time again Chelsea produced bad results. Seemingly led by the “Player Power” movement that has resulted in the C.F.C. revolving door for staff. He has quite a few cancers to deal with in the locker room.

Eden Hazard, if his performance at the Euros has proved anything, is that he SERIOUSLY under-performed for Mourinho, likely on purpose. I suspect if Conte puts a foot wrong against this Belgian Diva he will do the same again.

Diego Costa; I don’t actually have any proof he under-preformed or if he just sucks/sucked, but I'm leaning towards the former though. Also a player that began to believe his own hype.

(Viva) John Terry; at the core of the Chelsea locker room issues I always secretly suspected was JT. Again no proof but more speculation. The old racist captain of C.F.C seems like a big time sh*t disturber. Can’t say in good conscious he under preforms though. He is just old and past it at that level. However his “Mr Chelsea” ways may not mesh well with the new manager.

Thibaut Courtois; Belgian team mate of the aforementioned Eden Hazard, I can imagine he and Eden Hazard conspiring to get José Mourinho out at the bridge. I’ve heard reports from certain friends of mine who are Chelsea blue that he is becoming a real problem. I believe it as he seems like a right douchetap.

That’s all I really have for now. I should be forthcoming at this point. I am actually a United supporter, and I am well aware we have our own woes to deal with, with regards to cancers and “should he be a starter” team selections (Looking at you Wazza), but I leave that up to someone else to outline. With that said if those players start acting up or someone I haven’t mentioned and Conte doesn’t get immediate results he’ll be out the door faster than a dine and dasher at cheque time. Ah well I’d wish you all the best Conte, but I can’t soooooo I’ll just say hope you don’t get fired.

Any Given Sunday: Secret Society of Italian Football

2014-11-16T08:00:00.000-05:00

Most of us have experienced or know someone who suffers from baldness, but it looks like one group of people have not only found the solution to this problem they have been able to reverse the effects of aging and losing their hair, former Italian footballers.

This could be the biggest revolution in the game of football since the addition of the goal line technology. Many players around the world have suffered the effects of male baldness, from as recently as Rooney to as far back Gazza, players have struggle to keep their wonderful hair going into the later stages of their career and into retirement. One group has clearly found the solution to this problem and they are no other than former Italian footballers.

They have been able to keep this new discovery quiet and amongst themselves, and not even all former Italian footballers have been privy to this information. I am sure Baresi would love to be given some idea of what he needs to do to follow the footsteps of some of his former teammates at the Italian national team.

Former players like Salvatore Schillaci, a hero for Italy at the 1990 World Cup or the even more famous former Juventus coach and currently Italy’s coach, Conte. These two men are only the tip of this iceberg; since they have a higher profile than some others their new spontaneous growth of hair has somehow gone unnoticed by mainstream media, but not by me. It is a scientific or perhaps a genetic conundrum how some of these players and more specific these two have been able to get better hair as they have got older while most of us see this process happening in reverse.

Could it be the food? Perhaps pasta, pizza or tomato sauces have a special ingredient that provides them with a rebirth of hair at a later stage in their life. Can’t be, otherwise all others would be following suit, and the fact is that this genetic improvement hasn’t been available to all and only a selected few. Could this be the start of a new secret Italian order that could have links as far back as the Templars? Perhaps in some of their travels a group of Italian international players discovered a rare relic that allows them to grow hair as they get older instead of losing it?

It is my believe that Conte is at the head of this secret organization, and that has allowed him to not only win domestic titles after domestic titles but also land the national team job. His hair as far as I have been able to gather has not improved his coaching skills but it has added to his incredible sex appeal and overall metrosexual look. It seems to me that whatever they have discovered is somehow linked to Paolo Maldini. It is very strange and mind boggling that the new hair is completely different in style and texture from their previous hair and it comes more in line with Maldini’s hair. Have they found a way to clone Maldini’s hair? This could be a huge leap in scientific knowledge.

For now the exact process or explanation has been kept out of reach of the public and other footballers, and they have been able to keep mainstream media in the dark, which shows how strong and powerful these man are. A new world order is upon us, and it will be one with incredible gorgeous and wavy hair.

FFN: National Sides Pre-Release Euro 2016 Excuses

2014-10-03T18:00:00.000-04:00

In a surprising move this week, several major European Football Associations pre-released their excuses for crashing out of Euro 2016.
Although the tournament is still almost two years away, several nations decided to get the jump on their exit press releases, develop their damage control contingencies and start laying down the framework for their World Cup 2018 excuses.

Here is what the FA's that pre-released their exit excuses had to say exactly:

Italy

Italian boss Antonio Conte released the following statement to the press this week:

"As with every tournament we don't win, 'dark forces' have seen us exit the competition in the first round. When the corrupt match officials appointed by UEFA are calling fouls against us, what can we do?

The answer is nothing, but rather we will scream out to the heavens about the injustice the Azzurri has had inflicted upon it again. All we wanted to do was bring the world delight, untamed sexuality, wisdom and joy, but having a penalty called against one of our defenders, for accidentally punching a ball away, robbed us of that chance."

An unnamed Italian Football Federation official also muttered something ridiculously racist about Mario Balotelli being the main reason for the sides demise.

England

Wayne Rooney faced the English media today to announce that he will take his share of the blame for the Three Lions inglorious exit from the Euros.

"I'm gonna need me holidays after the season like. And I fancy going on the piss in Vegas again, so I'm going to be in no fit state to play that summer with England really. But contractually, Nike won't be happy if I go into hibernation for a month, so I'm going pitch up sticks in France and try to sweat the booze off.

I have promised the gaffer that I'm gonna try cutting back on me Benson & Hedges, at least down to a pack a day, but I can't promise I'll cut back on the beer or me burgers and chips.

Oh, I'll try to control me temper on the pitch during the Euros, but I can't say I won't disgrace me-self by kicking a Swede up the bollocks and seeing red, like. That will probably do for us and I'll be the scapegoat again.

Let's face it though, no matter how I do the team is utter shite and that's because there's too many foreigners in the Premier League. Don't take this the wrong way, but having only 11% of the lads in the league being English isn't good. Roy says that we need a 'root and branch' approach to youth development. But I'll be fucked if I know what that means."

Netherlands

Looking more and more like an angry penis these days, Arjen Robben had this to say to a group of reporters hanging around the Dutch training ground:

"Well, we crashed out because frankly Robin Van Persie is too old and has knees like the Quaker Oats guy from Cocoon. Wait, is that fellow still alive?

Oh well, never mind. Besides RVP, Wesley Sneijder is also, how you English say 'an old age pensioner' and a bit of an asshole. He wanted everything to go through him, but he made the key mistake of not accepting that he isn't like me. Only I age in reverse, like that Benjamin Button character, but far more handsome. I figure by the time I hit 50, I'll be ready to run the 100 meter dash in the Olympics.

Or perhaps I'll take up diving. Haha. A little inside joke.

Say what you will about Sneijder though, his wife is smoking hot. Oh, they split up?
That's a pity. Or should I say, giggity, giggity?"

Portugal

Cristiano Ronaldo had this to say to the Portuguese media, after taking off his shirt and applying a bit of baby oil on his abs, on Thursday:

"Our failure to succeed at the Euros is mainly due to an unfortunate injury I suffered prior to the tournament.

I was flexing in front of a mirror, the week before we left for our training camp, and I tore the muscle in my right buttock. With that I found it difficult to accelerate, which greatly reduced my effectiveness.

I did get my haircut prior to our opening match, but it just wasn't enough.

As for my teammates, well we're still picking Nani and Postiga, so I'll leave that one to you. But if I'm being honest, without me we would struggle to beat the Faroe Islands, let alone anyone half decent.

Pepe certainly didn't help us when he headbutted the referee five minutes into our opening match and he should be kicked out along with the rest of the useless duds in this squad.

But I have to say that I have nothing but respect for my teammates."

France

A grave faced Didier Deschamps addressed the media in Paris this Wednesday, where he went on to say the following:

"After a decent run to the Quarter Finals of the World Cup in Brazil, we followed the proud French tradition of completely imploding this time out.

Personally, I blame Samir Nasir. Even though he wasn't picked for the squad his cruel sniping in the newspapers did much to undermine our cause.

We also had an internal issue that really hurt us, that I feel you should know about.

Cabaye innocently walked in on a conversation between Lloris and Pogba, where they allegedly called him a donkey and said he should be drinking carrot juice instead of Gatorade. He was deeply hurt by their harsh words and understandably left the squad.

We apologize to the people of France and vow to never let this happen again."

Ireland

57 year old captain Robbie Keane had this to say to the Irish Times today:

"We were just happy to qualify for the Euros and we only went for the craic to be fair.

And let me tell you, we had some good craic, and at my age you don't know how many more opportunities you'll get to have a really good laugh at a major tournament.

Sure, we would have liked to have taken a point from one of our matches, but we were here and that's the most important thing."

*********
Thanks for reading Friday's Fake News. Please note that none of what you have read above is true, but feel free to favourite this page and refer back to it in the summer of 2016 to see how accurate or off the wall these made up quotes really are.